Battle of Wills

 I woke up at 5:00 yesterday morning with this realization….it’s not just disappointment that is my struggle, I’m in a battle of wills; my will vs God’s will. I want what I want, whether that is God’s will for me or not. Have I learned nothing in my 60 years of being His child? Here I am whining and complaining that I am “alone” in this life journey when I have friends (and the entire world) who are facing things far more serious than that. What right do I have to be discontented with my life?

 It seems it was easier to give up a leg than it is to give Him my singleness. Although, the leg has been a bit of a source of discontentment this trip, too. I can’t do some of the short hikes that would give me better views of some things I can’t see from the car.

 Part of the purpose of this solo trip was to spend some time praising God, praying and listening to what He has to say about some of the circumstances of my life; like what should retirement look like.  With this realization of the battle of wills, it has also become a time to think about what it will take to bring my will into alignment with His will?  But, what does contentment have to do with the battle of my will and God’s will?  If I were content with the circumstances of my life, I wouldn’t be trying to force my will over God’s will.  I would be content with where God has me and what He is doing in my life; even if I don’t understand it or think that it is right for me.  A friend sent me this quote from the devotional, Streams in the Desert; “Perhaps your desire to receive what you want is stronger than your desire for the will of God to be fulfilled.”  Ouch.  

 One of my five life principles is to live in contentment. What does that even mean? What did Paul mean in Philippians 4, when he said he learned to live in contentment in whatever situation or circumstances he found himself? I asked AI. Here was the response from AI.

 Paul’s concept of contentment, primarily detailed in Philippians 4:11-13, is a learned, internal state of peace independent of external circumstances (whether in need or plenty). It is rooted in a deep, dependent relationship with Christ, rather than self-sufficiency, enabling him to endure hardship, hunger, and imprisonment. 

 Key aspects of Paul's contentment include:

• A "Learned" Skill: Contentment is not automatic but a practiced, intentional, and spiritual discipline developed over time.
• Christ-Centered Strength: The "secret" is finding strength through Christ ("I can do all this through Him who gives me strength"), not just positive thinking.
• Independence from Circumstances: Paul was able to be content regardless of his situation—whether hungry or well-fed, in need or in abundance.
• Eternal Perspective: Contentment comes from focusing on the eternal rather than temporary, earthly, or material.
• Contrast with Stoicism: While Stoics advocated for self-sufficiency, Paul taught a contentment that relies entirely on God's grace and presence.

 It is surprising to me that AI can give such insightful answers to spiritual questions. It is certainly something to contemplate as I continue on this journey through the National Parks. I pray that by the time I get home (and long before that) I have yielded my strong, insistent, obstinate will to His. I have learned over the years that life is far better when my will aligns with His. Why is that so hard?   I also pray that I have learned a bit about living in contentment as I travel these roads between parks and take in God’s beautiful creation.  I think that one of the things that AI missed in describing contentment is to focus on God’s faithfulness and His blessings.  How can I be discontent when I recall what God has done in my life and all His blessing?  If I am living in contentment, how can I be fighting against God’s will for me?  While it may not always be true, in my current circumstances, the two go hand in hand.

Disappointment

I’m sure you all have experienced this: you have gone months or years without a certain thing, person, experience, etc.  Suddenly, it is back in your life, and you are filled with happiness and joy.  Just as suddenly, it is gone again.  What are those feelings when it is gone?  Anger?  Disappointment?  Confusion?  Sadness?  Grief?  Probably all of the above and more.  Why did God allow that back into my life, just to take it away again?  What do you do with those feelings?  How do you get back to living life without it again?

This has happened to me over and over again with one particular experience over the years (I think I’ve written about this before as it is a recurring experience): a man in my life.  There have been years between dates and I’m going through life just fine.  Then, foolish me, signs up for a dating app.  😊  Sometimes it doesn’t even get to the actual dating phase but there is someone else to think about, talk to, do things with, dream about……  And, I’m enjoying it.  Then one of us realizes that this was not meant to be and it’s gone.  Why, God, do you allow me to hope again and then take it away?  Why, God, do you not just remove that hope altogether from my heart?  

Boy, do I wish I had answers to those questions.  Disappointments are part of life, and they range from small disappointments, like getting sick and not being able to go to a party, to huge disappointments (and grief), like a loved one who has died too soon, a divorce, a child who has left their faith. 

As is usual for me, I want to define things.  What exactly is disappointment?  Disappointment is defined as the emotional distress – comprising sadness, frustration or anger – that occurs when reality fails to meet expectations.  Often stemming from unmet hopes, broken trust, or failed endeavors, it acts as a, sometimes painful, indicator of one’s deeply held values.  Coping involves acknowledging feelings, adjusting expectations and viewing setbacks as learning opportunities.   Yep, that about covers it but, that is a secular definition.  There is more to it than that for a Christian.  What does God want me to do with this?  What am I to learn from this? 

When I’m in a place where I have more questions than I have answers, I go back to what I know to be true about God and His character that applies to my situation.

• God is sovereign and sees the big picture.  He does what is best for me and what will bring honor to Him and further His kingdom.
• The Holy Spirit is with us in our weakness and intercedes for us.  God will work all thing outs out for good.   Romans 8:26-28  ²⁶ Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. ²⁷ And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. ²⁸ And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
• God is near to the brokenhearted.  Psalm 34:18 The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.  Psalm 147:3  He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
•  El Roi – The God who sees me.  There are no circumstances in our lives that escape His fatherly awareness and care.  God knows us and our troubles.
• Genesis 16:11-14 Hagar calls God by this name.  Verse 13 - So she called the name of the Lord who spoke to her, “You are a God of seeing,” for she said, “Truly here I have seen him who looks after me.
• Psalm 139:7-12 Wherever we are, God is there.

 So, what do we do with this?

• Pray:
• Ask God all the why questions. 
• Pour out your heart to Him. 
• Seek His direction. 
• Allow the Holy Spirit to intercede for you in groanings too deep for words.
• Cry if you need to.
• Listen:  be still and listen:
• What does God want you to learn?
• What does God want you to do?
• What does God say about the “why” questions?
• Wait and Watch for what God is doing:
• Has He changed your heart?
•  Has He worked in the circumstances?
•  Has He given you answers?
• Waiting is hard.  Esther waited to make her request of the king and while she waited, God did amazing things.  Read it in Esther 5-7. 

Disappointments are a part of life and they are more common than we would like.  Sometimes they are minor and barely given a second thought.  Sometimes, they hit deeper.  I know that “this too shall pass” and in the scheme of things (the craziness that is going on in our world, for one) and life (it is a small part of overall life), it is probably insignificant.  But, today, it may be significant and an opportunity to draw near to God.