Aloneness or Loneliness

 Aloneness or loneliness.  Is there a difference?  There is, according to AI.

 Aloneness:  the physical state of being by oneself, often defined as a neutral or positive, chosen state of solitude, allowing for self-reflection and peace.  It is distinct from loneliness – painful feeling of emptiness – as aloneness is associated with self-connection and personal growth. 

 Loneliness:  a subjective, distressing feeling of isolation occurring when social connections do not meet your needs, affecting both mental and physical health.  Symptoms include feelings of worthlessness, increased anxiety, low energy, and poor sleep.  Causes range from bereavement, retirement, and moving to social anxiety.  It is a gap between your desired and actual social connections.  It is a subjective “social pain” that can be felt even when surrounded by others. 

 This is interesting because I thought that what I was experiencing a few days ago was aloneness, although it was not a choice I made to be alone.  It was accompanied by feelings of loneliness.   According to the definitions, aloneness is a physical state and loneliness is an emotional state.   I think that I may disagree with this definition of aloneness as what I was experiencing was a result of circumstances that were not by choice and not really neutral and definitely not positive.  So, I asked AI, “what is the state of being alone though not by choice”.  The answer, “loneliness or involuntary isolation”.   So, the physical state was described as loneliness which is an emotion.  I’m so confused.  

 Last week I was sick and on the couch for 3 ½ days.  I did not go anywhere for a week.  Add to that, the friend, that has introduced me to Jeep four-wheeling and been a companion for other activities, has been dating.  Spending time together had come to an end.  I was trying to get back to being used to being alone again and I was railing at God for allowing him to be dating and not me.  WHY?  So, yes, I was feeling loneliness but, I knew that would pass.  What I was grappling with was being ok with being alone again and why God has me back in that state.   Whenever I think my life is difficult or not what I want it to be, I think about my friends and family who are going through much more difficult and trying times.  What I am going through seems trivial to what they are experiencing.  Why am I complaining to God about this?  My pity parties don’t last long and I know that they are temporary and I won’t wallow in them but, should I even be having them?   If you posed that question to me, I would say that emotions are part of who we are and who God made us to be.  You should feel the emotions and bring them to God.  Allow Him to help you work through them.   I am not naive to the reality that sometimes we need professional help to unpack mental and emotional issues.  There is no shame in getting that kind of help. 

 Yes, I do know that I am never truly alone.  God is always with me.  He reminds us of that over and over again. 

• ·     Joshua 1:9  Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be frightened and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.

• ·       Isaiah 41:10  Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

• ·       Matthew 28:20  Teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you.  And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.

• ·       Psalm 23:4  Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

• ·       Deuteronomy 31:6  Be strong and courageous.  Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.

• ·       Hebrews 13:5  Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you or forsake you.”

• ·       John 14:16  And I will ask the Father and He will give you a Helper, to be with you forever.

I’ve been collecting things I’ve read or heard over the last few days about being alone or loneliness.  These may seem random and not connected and they probably are.  But, they spoke to me over the last few days.  Maybe they will speak to you in whatever season or circumstance you find yourself.  If you feel alone, make use of the alone time.  Give it a purpose and make it a choice, not a circumstance. 

•  From a friend that sent me a devotional from Dallas Theological Seminary.   From Psalm 42, “The psalmist found himself surrounded by enemies.  While in enemy territory he longed for the sanctuary, the place of public worship of God.  His thirsty soul craved fellowship with God and God’s people.  Though not alone – enemies were all around him, mocking him – he became very lonely, lonely for the house of God.  And he longed for help from God.  Reflection on God and His many past goodnesses to him greatly encouraged the psalmist.  The more he thought about God and His past blessings, the less lonely he became.  His enemies were still all around him, but he had a whole new perspective on them and on life.”   I have found over the years that when I have withdrawn from God and my focus is not on Him, the last place I want to be is worshipping with other believers.  BUT, that is where I need to be.  I need to get out of myself and back to Him.  I can’t be lonely or alone when my focus is on Him and I am fellowshipping with other believers.  If I am, my focus is still on me. 

• ·       From a friend’s pastor’s sermon.  “Sometimes you find hope when you look deeper into your pain because you find the presence of Jesus there.”

• ·       From my own personal devotions from a book called “The Mountains are Calling"

o   This is in reference to choosing to be alone in silence/solitude.  “It can feel like nothing is getting done when we spend time in silence, but there are priceless things being done in us.  God doesn’t want us to go ahead without Him.  He wants to be intricately involved in everything we do.  He wants us to get to the stuff that makes us feel joy deep down and give us a defining purpose through and through.  He’s the only way to get there.”  

    o   “Is anything too hard for God?  Never!  Would He leave us alone or without the strength we need to overcome anything we face today?  Absolutely Not!  Will we let anything steal our peace knowing God is for us?  No Way!  Perfect love is the power of truth put into practice.  Perfect love kicks out every fear.  Perfect love lifts every hope.  Perfect love erases every lie.  No matter what kind of wilderness it feels like we’re walking through, love is in it with an endless river of strength behind it.  God wants us to experience the peace He gives in the midst of the overwhelming days and the seasons of waiting.  Love doesn’t leave when it gets hard.  It faithfully leads with our best always at the center of its purpose.  “

     o   “Standing at the ocean or standing on a mountain gives us an appreciation of how small we are, while magnifying how great God is.  It’s beautifully humbling.  Nature is God’s answer to so many things.  Jesus encouraged us to watch the birds and consider the wildflowers if we ever question God’s attentiveness to our needs and his faithfulness in meeting them.  Being surrounded by God’s handiwork feels like a pause in the chaos to relax with Him for a while.  Every living thing is filled with His glory, and when we stop to notice and appreciate His creation, we get a renewed sense of how completely wonderful He is.  Not a single part of our lives is overlooked.  God is in every detail of our day and every facet of our future.  He wants us to have peace, inside and out, and staying close to Him is how we get it.”

     o   “We see more when we slow down.  Slowing our pace opens our eyes.  If we keep sprinting through our days, we’ll eventually get to a point when we stop and look back…but all we’ll see is a blur.  We’ll realize we’ve missed too much of what was important and worried about too many things that weren’t. God knows that rest helps us retain our balance.  He knows that slowing down encourages us to see opportunities we’re missing to love people, show kindness and do things that light up the world.  Slow down and make sure to see every detail of His kindness in your life at this moment.”

    o   “Being alone can bring our hearts and minds back to a peaceful state, where we can tap into the love and truth that silences the doubts.  A short walk boosts our sense of well-being and makes us happier.  Anytime we get out of the rut we get refreshed enough to gain a little peace and go a little further.  God is never going to leave us.”

• ·       From our pastor’s sermon from Ecclesiates 9:7-10:3

o   “Things can happen to you that you did not know were coming.  Time and happenings occur                to us all.”

 o   “We see him commanding you to enjoy things.  Joy in the certainty of things that are true today.  You can’t control tomorrow and you can’t control what everyone else is doing.  Find joy in daily pleasures.”

o   “If we receive the day as a gift from the Lord.  If we receive every pleasure, every good thing as a gift from the Lord today, we’re able to enjoy them in an appropriate way.  And then as we’ll see, we should ultimately fear the Lord; fear Him, honor Him in our life…..God takes pleasure when you take pleasure in His gifts.  No one gives a gift and doesn’t want you to enjoy it.  If you do that, you’re not a good gift giver.  You give a gift because you want to bless.  You want people to enjoy it and want their lives to be enriched by it.  God gives us these gifts.”

o   “You can only truly enjoy something on this earth if you do not have to have it.  If they move to a place where you have to have it, you will never enjoy it the way it was meant to be enjoyed.”

o   “He says, ‘drink wine with a merry heart.’   You can have a drink, but if you have to have that drink, it owns you, you are not enjoying it.  You can have a spouse.  You can be gifted a spouse or a good friend from the Lord.  But, if you have to have that relationship you will crush that relationship and expect of it what only God can give you.”

 Some of the things I have learned about myself from my recent experience (I think I already knew this but it’s been a long time since I’ve experienced this):

•  It is not good for me to be alone for long periods of time.  I need to get out of the house and interact with people.

• ·       It is not good for me to be so “me” focused as I am when I am sick.  I need to focus on someone else.

• ·       When I am sick and/or “me” focused, I am not in the Word as I should be.  This, also, is not good for me. 

I’     I'm not sure what to say in conclusion except to be aware that if you are feeling alone or lonely, it is not good to stay there.   

• ·       Use the alone time to refresh/restore your relationship with God
• ··     Stay in the Word

• ·       Get outside of yourself and focus on someone else - love people, show kindness and do things that light up the world

 Strength in Solitude

In keeping with my quest to spend time in God’s creation by visiting the national parks, I am using a devotional, The Mountains are Calling – 90 Devotions for Peace and Solitude, published by Dayspring.  And I’m journaling my thoughts.   I’ve never been much of a journaler.  As this is a new and uncertain season for me (retirement), I thought journaling might make some of the thoughts stay instead of being in and out of my head quickly.   Not sure that’s working.  I probably need to reread my thoughts a time or two.  I’ve told a friend that I need to hear a story at least twice before I remember it and it is the same with sermons, movies, things I read, etc.  It frustrates me sometimes that things don’t stick in my head.  People talk about things they heard in a sermon and what they learned from it; I never remember the sermon after I walk out the door (sorry Pastor).   I digress.

On occasion, I will set aside time to be in solitude and I prefer to do that in nature somewhere.  You would think that time in the car with my travels would be a good time to spend in solitude with God but, I seem to avoid that with music, listening to audiobooks, etc.  Some of the time, I will drive in silence and pray, listen or praise but, most of the time I try to occupy my mind.  I start listening to an audiobook and can’t “put it down” and its due back to the library and I need to finish it by the end of the trip and…..

Today’s devotion was Strength in Solitude and there were some things that stood out to me:

• ·       “The mountain maker is our source of strength.  Wow!  There’s nothing too hard for Him and no one more important to Him than you.”  I know that God is my source of strength and power but do I believe it?  Do I tap into it when I need it?  Am I really that important to Him?  Of course, I know that I am but, do I really believe it?  Or act like I believe it?
• ·       “Where we go to find quiet time is different for each of us, but it’s hard to appreciate quiet time if we’re not alone.”  For me, if I want real solitude, I want to be outside with the sun on my face, a breeze and moving water.  That’s a little hard in the winter and often hard to find any time of the year.  It takes intentionality.  I can compromise on the environment and still find solitude.  But, again, it takes intentionality.  I’m in a Bible study with some young moms.  I am amazed by the spiritual maturity they show and their connection to God and how they model that to their children.  How do they find the time?  I couldn’t even consider doing a Bible study when I was working because I couldn’t devote the time needed to work through the study.  How could these young moms ever find the time for solitude? 
• ·       “Solitude is imperative to staying grounded in our wonderfully unique and powerful purpose.”  Okay, so…..I know I am unique, even odd or eccentric to some.  But “wonderfully” unique?  And “powerful purpose”?  Most of the time I don’t know my purpose, especially in this season of retirement.  What does God want me to do with this season?   I guess I need more solitude.  😊
• ·       “Our lives are meaningful every day.  God loves us and He loves the life He has given us.  His greatest joy is seeing us live the abundant life found in Him.  In Him we have mountain-making strength and mountain- moving hope.”   When I first read that, I thought, “He loves the life He has given us”?  Some of the time I don’t love the life He has given me.  I want something other than what He has given me.  That thought is based on the day-to-day circumstances and experiences of my life.  When I went on to read the rest, I realized that the author is talking about the abundant life God has given us in Him; a life that is so much more than my day-to-day circumstances or experiences, a life that is based on His love for me and eternity with Him, a life that is filled with His faithfulness/joy/power/strength/hope, a life with purpose, etc.  That gives our lives meaning every day! 
• ·       “Good is going to come from everything we surrender to Him.  Hope is going to stand against anything that tries to diminish it.”  I often fail to see the good that comes from things that I surrender to Him.  That’s because I’m not looking for it.  I’m so focused on whatever I have surrendered and the pain it causes that I can’t see the good.  I need to take my eyes off of me and put them on Him and see the good.  It is hope that keeps us going when life seems hard.  Hope in this sense is a certainty, not wishful thinking.  It is the expectation of the fulfillment of our life in Christ – eternity with Him.  It is future focused and not focused on today.  Our use of the word hope is often about what we want/wish to happen in relation to our circumstances.  We should be trusting God, not hoping. 

More solitude.  More listening.  More praying.  I have no excuse for not setting aside time for those things now that my life is not constrained by work and time.  With the warmer weather and more daylight at the end of the day (interesting that I don’t mind this time change nearly as much since I don’t have to get up for work in the dark), being outside is easier and I will be more intentional about solitude.  If you’re brave, ask me if I am.  😊

Psalm 46:10  Be still, and know that I am God.  I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!

 Isaiah 30:15  For thus said the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel, “In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and trust shall be your strength.

 I Kings 19:9-12  There he (Elijah) came to a cave and lodged in it. And behold, the word of the Lord came to him, and he said to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”   He said, “I have been very jealous for the Lord, the God of hosts. For the people of Israel have forsaken your covenant, thrown down your altars, and killed your prophets with the sword, and I, even I only, am left, and they seek my life, to take it away.”  And he said, “Go out and stand on the mount before the Lord.” And behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind tore the mountains and broke in pieces the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. And after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake.  And after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire the sound of a low whisper

 Jesus spent 40 days in the desert, Mark 1:12-13 and He withdrew to solitary places to pray, Mark 1:35 and Luke 5:16.

 

Battle of Wills

 I woke up at 5:00 yesterday morning with this realization….it’s not just disappointment that is my struggle, I’m in a battle of wills; my will vs God’s will. I want what I want, whether that is God’s will for me or not. Have I learned nothing in my 60 years of being His child? Here I am whining and complaining that I am “alone” in this life journey when I have friends (and the entire world) who are facing things far more serious than that. What right do I have to be discontented with my life?

 It seems it was easier to give up a leg than it is to give Him my singleness. Although, the leg has been a bit of a source of discontentment this trip, too. I can’t do some of the short hikes that would give me better views of some things I can’t see from the car.

 Part of the purpose of this solo trip was to spend some time praising God, praying and listening to what He has to say about some of the circumstances of my life; like what should retirement look like.  With this realization of the battle of wills, it has also become a time to think about what it will take to bring my will into alignment with His will?  But, what does contentment have to do with the battle of my will and God’s will?  If I were content with the circumstances of my life, I wouldn’t be trying to force my will over God’s will.  I would be content with where God has me and what He is doing in my life; even if I don’t understand it or think that it is right for me.  A friend sent me this quote from the devotional, Streams in the Desert; “Perhaps your desire to receive what you want is stronger than your desire for the will of God to be fulfilled.”  Ouch.  

 One of my five life principles is to live in contentment. What does that even mean? What did Paul mean in Philippians 4, when he said he learned to live in contentment in whatever situation or circumstances he found himself? I asked AI. Here was the response from AI.

 Paul’s concept of contentment, primarily detailed in Philippians 4:11-13, is a learned, internal state of peace independent of external circumstances (whether in need or plenty). It is rooted in a deep, dependent relationship with Christ, rather than self-sufficiency, enabling him to endure hardship, hunger, and imprisonment. 

 Key aspects of Paul's contentment include:

• A "Learned" Skill: Contentment is not automatic but a practiced, intentional, and spiritual discipline developed over time.
• Christ-Centered Strength: The "secret" is finding strength through Christ ("I can do all this through Him who gives me strength"), not just positive thinking.
• Independence from Circumstances: Paul was able to be content regardless of his situation—whether hungry or well-fed, in need or in abundance.
• Eternal Perspective: Contentment comes from focusing on the eternal rather than temporary, earthly, or material.
• Contrast with Stoicism: While Stoics advocated for self-sufficiency, Paul taught a contentment that relies entirely on God's grace and presence.

 It is surprising to me that AI can give such insightful answers to spiritual questions. It is certainly something to contemplate as I continue on this journey through the National Parks. I pray that by the time I get home (and long before that) I have yielded my strong, insistent, obstinate will to His. I have learned over the years that life is far better when my will aligns with His. Why is that so hard?   I also pray that I have learned a bit about living in contentment as I travel these roads between parks and take in God’s beautiful creation.  I think that one of the things that AI missed in describing contentment is to focus on God’s faithfulness and His blessings.  How can I be discontent when I recall what God has done in my life and all His blessing?  If I am living in contentment, how can I be fighting against God’s will for me?  While it may not always be true, in my current circumstances, the two go hand in hand.

Disappointment

I’m sure you all have experienced this: you have gone months or years without a certain thing, person, experience, etc.  Suddenly, it is back in your life, and you are filled with happiness and joy.  Just as suddenly, it is gone again.  What are those feelings when it is gone?  Anger?  Disappointment?  Confusion?  Sadness?  Grief?  Probably all of the above and more.  Why did God allow that back into my life, just to take it away again?  What do you do with those feelings?  How do you get back to living life without it again?

This has happened to me over and over again with one particular experience over the years (I think I’ve written about this before as it is a recurring experience): a man in my life.  There have been years between dates and I’m going through life just fine.  Then, foolish me, signs up for a dating app.  😊  Sometimes it doesn’t even get to the actual dating phase but there is someone else to think about, talk to, do things with, dream about……  And, I’m enjoying it.  Then one of us realizes that this was not meant to be and it’s gone.  Why, God, do you allow me to hope again and then take it away?  Why, God, do you not just remove that hope altogether from my heart?  

Boy, do I wish I had answers to those questions.  Disappointments are part of life, and they range from small disappointments, like getting sick and not being able to go to a party, to huge disappointments (and grief), like a loved one who has died too soon, a divorce, a child who has left their faith. 

As is usual for me, I want to define things.  What exactly is disappointment?  Disappointment is defined as the emotional distress – comprising sadness, frustration or anger – that occurs when reality fails to meet expectations.  Often stemming from unmet hopes, broken trust, or failed endeavors, it acts as a, sometimes painful, indicator of one’s deeply held values.  Coping involves acknowledging feelings, adjusting expectations and viewing setbacks as learning opportunities.   Yep, that about covers it but, that is a secular definition.  There is more to it than that for a Christian.  What does God want me to do with this?  What am I to learn from this? 

When I’m in a place where I have more questions than I have answers, I go back to what I know to be true about God and His character that applies to my situation.

• God is sovereign and sees the big picture.  He does what is best for me and what will bring honor to Him and further His kingdom.
• The Holy Spirit is with us in our weakness and intercedes for us.  God will work all thing outs out for good.   Romans 8:26-28  ²⁶ Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. ²⁷ And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. ²⁸ And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
• God is near to the brokenhearted.  Psalm 34:18 The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.  Psalm 147:3  He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
•  El Roi – The God who sees me.  There are no circumstances in our lives that escape His fatherly awareness and care.  God knows us and our troubles.
• Genesis 16:11-14 Hagar calls God by this name.  Verse 13 - So she called the name of the Lord who spoke to her, “You are a God of seeing,” for she said, “Truly here I have seen him who looks after me.
• Psalm 139:7-12 Wherever we are, God is there.

 So, what do we do with this?

• Pray:
• Ask God all the why questions. 
• Pour out your heart to Him. 
• Seek His direction. 
• Allow the Holy Spirit to intercede for you in groanings too deep for words.
• Cry if you need to.
• Listen:  be still and listen:
• What does God want you to learn?
• What does God want you to do?
• What does God say about the “why” questions?
• Wait and Watch for what God is doing:
• Has He changed your heart?
•  Has He worked in the circumstances?
•  Has He given you answers?
• Waiting is hard.  Esther waited to make her request of the king and while she waited, God did amazing things.  Read it in Esther 5-7. 

Disappointments are a part of life and they are more common than we would like.  Sometimes they are minor and barely given a second thought.  Sometimes, they hit deeper.  I know that “this too shall pass” and in the scheme of things (the craziness that is going on in our world, for one) and life (it is a small part of overall life), it is probably insignificant.  But, today, it may be significant and an opportunity to draw near to God.