Disappointment

I’m sure you all have experienced this: you have gone months or years without a certain thing, person, experience, etc.  Suddenly, it is back in your life, and you are filled with happiness and joy.  Just as suddenly, it is gone again.  What are those feelings when it is gone?  Anger?  Disappointment?  Confusion?  Sadness?  Grief?  Probably all of the above and more.  Why did God allow that back into my life, just to take it away again?  What do you do with those feelings?  How do you get back to living life without it again?

This has happened to me over and over again with one particular experience over the years (I think I’ve written about this before as it is a recurring experience): a man in my life.  There have been years between dates and I’m going through life just fine.  Then, foolish me, signs up for a dating app.  😊  Sometimes it doesn’t even get to the actual dating phase but there is someone else to think about, talk to, do things with, dream about……  And, I’m enjoying it.  Then one of us realizes that this was not meant to be and it’s gone.  Why, God, do you allow me to hope again and then take it away?  Why, God, do you not just remove that hope altogether from my heart?  

Boy, do I wish I had answers to those questions.  Disappointments are part of life, and they range from small disappointments, like getting sick and not being able to go to a party, to huge disappointments (and grief), like a loved one who has died too soon, a divorce, a child who has left their faith. 

As is usual for me, I want to define things.  What exactly is disappointment?  Disappointment is defined as the emotional distress – comprising sadness, frustration or anger – that occurs when reality fails to meet expectations.  Often stemming from unmet hopes, broken trust, or failed endeavors, it acts as a, sometimes painful, indicator of one’s deeply held values.  Coping involves acknowledging feelings, adjusting expectations and viewing setbacks as learning opportunities.   Yep, that about covers it but, that is a secular definition.  There is more to it than that for a Christian.  What does God want me to do with this?  What am I to learn from this? 

When I’m in a place where I have more questions than I have answers, I go back to what I know to be true about God and His character that applies to my situation.

• God is sovereign and sees the big picture.  He does what is best for me and what will bring honor to Him and further His kingdom.
• The Holy Spirit is with us in our weakness and intercedes for us.  God will work all thing outs out for good.   Romans 8:26-28  ²⁶ Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. ²⁷ And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. ²⁸ And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
• God is near to the brokenhearted.  Psalm 34:18 The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.  Psalm 147:3  He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
•  El Roi – The God who sees me.  There are no circumstances in our lives that escape His fatherly awareness and care.  God knows us and our troubles.
• Genesis 16:11-14 Hagar calls God by this name.  Verse 13 - So she called the name of the Lord who spoke to her, “You are a God of seeing,” for she said, “Truly here I have seen him who looks after me.
• Psalm 139:7-12 Wherever we are, God is there.

 So, what do we do with this?

• Pray:
• Ask God all the why questions. 
• Pour out your heart to Him. 
• Seek His direction. 
• Allow the Holy Spirit to intercede for you in groanings too deep for words.
• Cry if you need to.
• Listen:  be still and listen:
• What does God want you to learn?
• What does God want you to do?
• What does God say about the “why” questions?
• Wait and Watch for what God is doing:
• Has He changed your heart?
•  Has He worked in the circumstances?
•  Has He given you answers?
• Waiting is hard.  Esther waited to make her request of the king and while she waited, God did amazing things.  Read it in Esther 5-7. 

Disappointments are a part of life and they are more common than we would like.  Sometimes they are minor and barely given a second thought.  Sometimes, they hit deeper.  I know that “this too shall pass” and in the scheme of things (the craziness that is going on in our world, for one) and life (it is a small part of overall life), it is probably insignificant.  But, today, it may be significant and an opportunity to draw near to God. 

 

Life Surge

Worship     Wisdom     Work     Wealth

Surge Your Life God’s Way

 The definition of Surge is a sudden, powerful forward or upward movement

 Saturday, October 14, I went to an all day conference called Life Surge.  It intrigued me to sign up with “Learn Why and How to Create and Multiply Financial Resources for Kingdom Impact”.  Not only have I been thinking about not having saved enough for retirement, I’ve been thinking that I will be living off a fixed income with nothing left to have fun or use for Kingdom impact.  So, this got my attention.

 It was a great day of various speakers and corporate worship.  The underlying theme was growing your resources to use them for the kingdom of God.  The day started with worship and then the Benham Brothers; twin brothers who were former baseball players and then started a company and invested in real estate.  They gave this illustration of riches and wealth: Think of riches as a bucket of water and wealth as a river.  If you remove a cup of water from the bucket, the water level goes down.  If you remove a cup of water from a river, the water is replenished. 

 Next was Nick Vujicic, a man born with no arms and legs. What an impressive testimony and life story.   He told us the three questions that he and his wife use to check in with each other monthly.  1) What am I doing that you want me to stop doing?  2) What am I not doing that you want me to do.  3) What am I doing well.  These questions can be used in any relationship, even our relationship with God.

Steve Champa talked to us about investing in the stock market.  He was flat broke at one point in his life and learned how to effectively trade in the stock market.  Life Surge offers a 3 day class to learn how to trade stocks.  I signed up for it.  Will this be a way for me to increase my wealth?  I don’t know but it doesn’t hurt to learn about it.

Then lunch was served to us in our seats.  How does Jason’s Deli prepare 6,000+ boxed lunches?   While we were eating lunch, Anne Beiler who started Auntie Anne’s pretzels told us how she started her business and part of her life story.  One of her statements that stuck with me was, “Alone we die, connected we live.”  I need to get her book.  She has quite a story. 

 Joe Johnson, the founder of Life Surge spoke to us next.  He was also broke and $1 million in debt at one point.  He invested in real estate.  Proverbs 4 Get Wisdom, Get Understanding.  Take Action.

James Smith talked to us about real estate investing, as well as other things.  He was quite colorful…..don’t ask me to define that.  😊  Life Surge also offers a class on real estate investing.  I don’t think I will take that class.  I’m not sure that is the right path for me at this stage in my life but it was all very interesting.

 Next up was Priscilla Shirer.  She was one of the reasons I signed up for the conference.  She spoke from Luke 5 which is the story of Peter fishing all night and not catching any fish.  Until, Jesus got into the boat and took him to the spot with fish.  Priscilla pointed out that Jesus knew that Peter was not going to catch any fish and that He would need to use Peter’s boat to talk to the people.  If Peter had caught fish, there would have been no room in the boat for Jesus. 

 Dave Seymour followed Priscilla.  He is from England and had an HGTV show called Flipping Boston.  He talked about God’s deliverance from alcohol.  He also talked about “faith without works is dead”. 

 Finally Tim Tebow.  He made these three points: 1) Believe God’s word.  2) Believe what God’s word says about me; I am fearfully and wonderfully made, I am awesome, unique and set apart.  3) Believe that God wants to use me.  Then he told the story of how he came to wear John 3:16 under his eyes when playing football and gave a powerful presentation of the gospel.   It was me who nailed Jesus to the cross.  We serve a God that loves us so much that He was willing to endure the cross for me.  And then He rose from the dead; He is not in the grave but alive.  Consider what we are saved from, saved by and saved for.

 What a day.  What did I come away with?  A sense that I can do more.  I want to do more.  I don’t want to be strapped in my retirement years living on social security and my retirement funds.  I want to be able to have some fun, but, mostly I want to be able to give to people and organizations that are doing kingdom work.  I'm not sure where God will take me with this but I am looking forward to finding out but I do believe that He wants me to do more and to live a life surged by God

 

Unsettled and Dissatisfied

 Have you ever felt like you were in a place where you didn’t belong?  Have you ever felt like you just couldn’t settle into your life?  Have you ever felt like there should be something “more” in your life?  I’m sure we all have.  That’s not a common experience for me.  I’m generally content with my life and where I am.  For the last few months, I’ve felt unsettled, dissatisfied, frustrated, envious of friends who are retired and going on adventures with their spouses, tired of being alone (singleness was never what I wanted) ….just overall not thrilled with where I am in life.  I thought it was a passing phase that vacation, a few days at the beach, would cure.  It didn’t. 

 I’ve been going through a Bible study called “Discerning the Voice of God” by Priscilla Shirer.   For too long, I’ve been listening to/for other voices.  Now, I’m working on listening for God’s voice. 

How do I get to where I can hear God’s voice? 

•  Obedience is key
•  Five “M’s” of correctly hearing God
• Look for the Message of the Spirit – intentionally listen
• Live in the Mode of Prayer – submit anything you think you’re hearing back to Him in prayer
• Search out the Model of Scripture – does what you think you’re hearing contradict the character of God or His Word
• Submit to the Ministry of Eli (story of Samuel) – seek the counsel of a wise, more mature believer who is practiced in discerning God’s voice in their own life
• Expect the Mercy of Confirmation – ask God to confirm His message through His Word, through circumstances, or even through another person
• Stop frantically searching for God’s will; start frantically searching for God Himself.
• The Holy Spirit is real and if we position ourselves spiritually, His voice will give us continued, personal direction.  He speaks as plainly and as clearly as you and I allow His voice to be in our lives.
• Knowing the character of God’s voice as opposed to the enemy’s voice
• Condemnation is the voice of the enemy; conviction is the voice of the Holy Spirit
• The enemy’s voice is cryptic and clever; God’s voice aligns with scripture
• When God speaks, it is in concert with His perfect timing to accomplish His prescribed plan. Waiting is a commitment to continue in obedience until God speaks.  Ask Him to give you the courage to fully engage in what he has put before you today, as well as the faithfulness to stay on the path until He gives you different or new directions.  Keep a firm confidence in His purposes, His plans – and His perfect timing.
• We must carve out time to purposefully listen for His voice (1) through prayer, (2) meditating on His Word and (3) lingering worshipfully in His presence.
•  Back to obedience – Obedience is not only the proactive posture we take to hear Him, but it is also the response we employ once He has spoken.
• God will speak to the hearts of those who prepare themselves to hear.  Approach my relationship with Him from an ongoing stance of anticipation, readied and expectant to hear His voice.

So, where am I on this journey to hearing God’s voice?  Well, it is a journey and a learning process.  I’m wondering if this period of unsettledness is because God is planning a change in my life and I need to be ready to make that change.  Or, is this the work of the enemy, trying to keep me from hearing God’s voice?  Guess I’ll just have to keep practicing the things I’m learning and wait…..the hardest part.

Reading the Bible Through in a Year

 Do you know how many times I have started to read the Bible through in a year?  I don't either.  I don't usually make it very far before I get behind and quit.  This year, I was determined to complete this goal.

This shouldn't be that hard, right?  I broke it down into 4.1 pages a day and it shouldn't be more than 15-20 minutes a day.  I am close to being on schedule.  I may be a little bit behind, but not so behind that I feel defeated.  However, I may not take this approach to reading the Bible in the future.  

Here are some of the things that I've noticed about this plan for me:

1. Most of the time I am reading just to get through it and my comprehension is not what it should be.

2. I get frustrated when I don't understand the symbolism, which is very prevalent in the Old Testament.  And the parables.  I failed a World Literature class in college because I didn't understand symbolism.  I don't like poetry for the same reason.  Tell me exactly what you mean.  Don't make me guess or infer.

3. Whenever I sit down to read God's Word, Satan will use anything to distract me.  All kinds of things come into my mind to distract me.

4. I am also frustrated that I don't have time to dig deeper and try to understand the symbolism from commentaries and still finish in a year.

5. A lot of the Old Testament is "boring" with the genealogies and divisions of Israel that are found duplicated.  Not to mention all the laws.

6. I'm afraid that when I get to the New Testament I will be frustrated by all the practical teaching that is packed into it's pages and it will be too much to absorb.  

All that to say, this may not be the plan for me.  I think I will find something that moves at a slower pace and allows me time to research and digest.  

I spent a lot of years not doing any daily reading of God's Word.  My excuse was that I could never find the right time of day or the right plan.  Everyone learns at a different speed and in a different way.  While this may not be the best plan for me, it has been beneficial to establish a regular habit of reading God's Word.  That is never a waste of time.  If you not spending time daily in God's Word, I would encourage you to do so.  Find what works for you.

A Sleeping Giant Awakens

In my heart lives a sleeping giant.  His name is HOPE (for relationship).  He sleeps for years at a time until an experience nudges at him until he is awake.  This time, it was an experience with a catfish.  I am very aware of catfish; how they work, the red flags.  I avoid them as much as possible.  I don’t accept friend requests on Facebook from people I don’t know.  I check to see if they are friends of a friend or someone I might know.  Most times, they are recently created profiles and have no friends.  I don’t accept message requests from people I don’t know.  This experience happened over a game of Scrabble.

I’ve been playing Scrabble with just one friend.  I get requests to play games with other people several times a day.  Mostly men and some start off with a direct message.  I have been declining games.   I thought maybe I would accept a game if I found someone who had a score average close to mine (most are far below mine).  So, I accepted a game from someone named David.  We played several rounds with no communication.  Then he messaged me and we began to chat.  I suspected a catfish from the beginning.  The red flags were there: widowed, engineer, a young child in his life, foreign born, etc.  I told him that I suspected he was a catfish.  What’s a catfish, he asked.  Who in 2022 does not know what a catfish is?  Scrabble chat feature is cumbersome so we moved to Google Chat which I also found odd.  I went from 50/50 suspicion of catfish to 15/85 suspicion of catfish – he was good at convincing me that he was not.  Now, I am at 95/5 suspicion that he is a catfish. 

Back to the giant.  What really woke the Giant was a song that he sent to me, Perfect by Ed Sheeran.  If you like love songs, it’s a great one.  It stirred up all those emotions of longing and desire for a relationship.  The Giant was waking up.

I have five life principles.  One of them is to live in contentment.  The Giant is not helpful in living out that principle.  He breeds discontentment. 

 Our small group lessons today was on contentment.  Paul, in Philippians 4:11, tells us to be content in whatever circumstances.  We should live in contentment, not necessarily with contentment of our circumstances.  Contentment is not happiness.  It is deeper than that.  We can live in contentment because our contentment comes from God; not from people or circumstances.  We can dwell peaceably in whatever situation we find ourselves because we can trust God. 

But, how do we do that? 

• ·      Philippians 4:8  Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy – meditate on these things.
• ·       Use your circumstances to share the love of God and saving grace of Jesus Christ
• ·     Keep your walk with God close so that your response to circumstances is positive and God honoring. 
• ·      Focus on something/someone other than yourself.

 

Now….to put that Giant back to sleep.  😊

End of 2021

 It's been a very long time since I've written a blog.  13 years long.  It may be another 13 before I write another.  :-)

Around Christmas, I had an interesting several weeks.  I found myself in a "mood" that I have never experienced for more than a few hours, at most.  I was in a "funk".  Was it the melancholy side of my personality taking over my life?  Was it depression?  Even if I had thoughts of depression, I always seemed to be able to stop thinking those thoughts and focus on something else.  Even during my amputation and recovery, I was never depressed.  I always knew that God had a plan.  So, what was going on?

 I felt alone.  Was it because Sadie passed and I was coming home to an empty house?  Was I watching too many sappy Hallmark Christmas movies?  Was I mad at God for never bringing a husband into my life?

I felt dissatisfied with my weight, the way I looked, my physical condition.  I've recently been told I'm diabetic.  I love sweets and carbs!  I need to figure out a new way to eat and find a way to exercise .

I'm dissatisfied with my prosthetic.  We have a tolerate/hate relationship.  It doesn't seem to fit right (probably due to weight gain), I can't bear weight on it because it hurts, I can get more done from a wheelchair, etc.  I wish that I could wear it and do steps so that I could get into people's homes.  I haven't even attempted to wear it for several months.  Anybody need a leg to make a lamp?  Or a plant stand?  :-)

I'm dissatisfied with the state of the world and all the hate, all the intolerance and lack of respect of people.  The truth is illusive.  Who do you believe?  And Covid has disrupted our lives for entirely too long.  I'm tired of it all.  My only recourse if to love God and love people equally.

It's been several weeks since I started this.  The "funk" has left.  I suspected a medication so I stopped taking it.  Then I restarted it and did not experience any sort of depression, so I guess that wasn't the culprit.  I'm still not sure what was going on but what came out of that was an empathy for those who experience real depression.  Though the memory of that experience is fading, I hope that the empathy stays.

Merry Christmas 2008

Greetings from Elizabethtown PA. Most of you have heard by now that I moved back to PA this fall. I arrived back in PA on October 19th – just in time to celebrate my 50th birthday. Wooohooo.
I don’t remember much about the beginning of the year. I didn’t keep a daytimer this year or a good calendar so I guess nothing exciting happened. Since Deb’s family moved there were no soccer games to go to this year but I’m sure found something to fill my time.
My idea of camping has always been at the very least, a trailer with a bathroom. For some reason I started thinking about tent camping. I bought a tent this spring and started collecting camping equipment at yard sales and WalMart. I found that one of my friends, Loretta, was interested in camping with me. Loretta has the brother, Chip, to my dog, Jazz. We made plans to go camping three weekends this summer. There were some requirements for the places we camped. For one, it had to have bathrooms and showers. The first two weekends we went were extremely hot. We just sort of sat around and moved our chairs to follow what little shade we could find. Our last weekend camping was probably our favorite because it was much cooler and the campground had more shade. We had a great time. I’m not sure Jazz enjoyed the experience. I think she is too much of a “princess.”
My neice, Deb’s oldest daugher, Rachel, spent the summer with me again this year. It is always fun to have her around. I finally got a chance to see some soccer as she played for the semi-pro team in Colorado Springs
I made a trip to PA in May to celebrate my parent’s 50th anniversay. We had a little party for them. In April, Dad had fallen and broken his hip – the one that had been replaced in 1991. We weren’t sure he was going to be up to a party but he was and we had a great time. We had a discussion about their plans for the future and after talking it through and praying about it, I decided to move back to help out a bit. They are still pretty active and able to do a lot of things but the upkeep on the house and yard is a little too much for them.
Towards the end of June I gave notice at work and told them that I would be leaving by the middle of October. I love my job and the people I work with so it was not any easy thing to do. Within a couple of weeks there was a plan to work towards having me keep my job and work from home. We found ways for me to do my job remotely and so far it seems to be working well. It has its challenges and I miss the office interaction and my view of pikes peak, but I am so grateful to be able to keep my job and do what I like to do. I was not looking forward to looking for a job in this economy. God is good!!
The move east went very well. God worked out so many of the details. I was nervous about getting enough help to load the truck but I had planty of help to load and they got all but one piece of furniture in the truck. One of my uncles volunteered to fly out and drive the truck
home. All I had to do was hold Jazz and watch the scenery go by. I sold my car to a family from my church and was able to drive it up until the last day. Just so many details and so many answers to prayer.
My brother Ed and his wife Val are still living in Lancaster. Their daughter Becky is teaching again this year. Their son Shaun graduated from college this year and is working as a graphic artist.
Deb and her husband Michael are spending their second year in Yorktown VA. Rachel will graduate from college this year. Matthew turned 16 and is driving, Hannah is 12 and Gabrielle is 10. My how they are growing up. I’m looking forward to some weekends in VA and soccer games.
Cliff is still in Mount Joy and still driving truck. It will be good to be able to see my family more often.
My parents are doing pretty well. Dad had hip surgery, mom had hernia and shoulder replacement surgery this year. Mom’s shoulder surgery was December 5th so she is still recovering. Dad is still driving the Amish around and coming home with stories to tell. Mom keeps herself busy and she does the cooking, so that is good for me.
Turning 50 – well, what can I say about that milestone? I thought it would be fun to get the girls from the Sunday school class of my childhood together to celebrate our 50ths. I hadn’t seen some of those girls in 20-30 years. There were six of us and we had a great time catching up and laughing.
Being back “home” has been good. In some ways it feels like I never left. I’m back at my church and they have put me back to work in the choir, worship team and singing solos. I’m looking forward to reconnecting with more family and friends in the coming year.
I hope this letter finds you all well and enjoying the holiday season with your family and friends. May the reminder of what Jesus did fill you with wonder and awe this Christmas season. He came from heaven to earth to show the way; from the earth to the cross, our debt to pay; from the cross to the grave; from the grave to the sky…..